If you want to keep the conversation going with someone with anxiety, there are some phrases to steer clear of.
We all worry, and we all get anxious. These are normal responses when we feel under pressure, and they usually pass.
But if you have an anxiety condition, the anxious feelings don’t go away, don’t have a clear cause, or make it hard to cope with daily life. Anxiety conditions affect one in four people in Australia.
Choose your words
If someone you care about experiences feelings of anxiety, it’s common to feel unsure about how to help and what to say. And despite your best intentions, attempts to give reassurance can backfire if you use these phrases:
- “Calm down”
“Telling a person who is feeling anxious to calm down or stop feeling anxious can make a bad situation worse. It’s like telling someone who is standing in the rain to stop feeling the rain,” says Jeffrey M Cohen, an assistant professor of medical psychology at Columbia University Medical Center.
Psychologist Jade Wu, writing in Psychology Today, agrees. “Variations of this crowd favourite include ‘Relax!’ and ‘Just breathe’. If I could don’t you think I already would have?” she says.
“The problem is that when people are anxious, it’s hard to relax,” says Wu.
“They’re experiencing activation of their sympathetic nervous system, also known as the fight-or-flight response. This is a real and urgent biological process that automatically raises their heart rate and adrenaline levels, stiffens their muscles, and puts their senses on high alert.”
When you’re in this state reasonable thinking goes out the window, so you can’t just tell a person to ‘cool it’. Not only is this almost impossible, says Wu, it also invalidates their experience, and you can come across as condescending and uninterested in what’s happening for them.
- “Stop worrying about it”
“This response is unconstructive,” says Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital, New York. “It implies the person suffering from anxiety is choosing this response. It places the blame on the person struggling and suggests they can freely turn it on and off like a light switch.”
Trying not to think about what’s causing them anxiety isn’t a proven relief method. In fact, telling someone to just ‘not think about’ whatever is worrying them will only irritate them further.
What to say instead
Beyond Blue says it’s natural to want to solve the problem to make the person feel better. However, the most helpful thing you can do is listen, and give the other person space to talk and feel heard. Some things you can say include:
“I’m here for you.” Anxiety and depression can make people feel isolated, so it can really help to know someone will be there for you during recovery
“I can see this is a really hard time for you.” Acknowledging the difficulties of anxiety and depression is one of the most helpful things you can do.
“I’m not sure what to do, but I’m sure we can figure it out together.” You may not have all the answers, but what’s important is that you’re willing to stick around and help them work out how to start feeling better.
“I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there’s hope that things can get better.” Remind them that anxiety and depression are treatable, and with the right support most people recover.
Highlight the importance of seeking professional support. Beyond Blue says often the best place to start is the person’s regular GP, who can refer them to a specialist mental health practitioner. A GP can also write a mental health treatment plan so you can get Medicare rebates for psychologist appointments.
Other good resources include:
- medicarementalhealth.gov.au for help in finding services that are right for you.
- beyondblue.org.au; phone 1300 22 4636
This article was previously published in the Well at Work Newsletter
